Weakness…

I’m so weak.

Alcohol drown me again, let me feel nothing for tonight.

:EDIT:

Sudden burst of insight I had to write before I forgot. Alcohol does not make the pain go away it just makes it worse in me. It brings out my worst and makes me hate/regret everything I’ve done. And I become spiteful. So fucking spiteful it kills. I’m not doing this to make myself feel better. I’m doing this because I’ve been backed into a corner and I have an addiction and when I have no one around to give this spineless bastard a reassuring comment or a pat on the back I succumb to my greatest weakness. I am weak, I miss the inspiration I had before I came out to this podunk hell hole. I miss Sydney, I miss my family. I miss my positive outlook. Fuck it all, I’m just having a bad night, ignore me. Keep ignoring me, but never forget me.

I’m laughing on the inside…

It’s really easy to get lost in the idea of something new after the full force explosion of a volatile relationship comes to an end. To forget everything that hurt in the arms of another and just slip away. Let yourself sink down in the comforting waters of some new. But sometimes when you open your eyes under the water you just realize that you were only swimming in the shallow end. All great things seem just as they sound until you allow yourself a step back to see exactly how little you mean to the other person when it’s all said and done. How can you ignore an entire week of texts and calls when I’m away and pretend like you want nothing else in the world but me when I’m in town. How can you treat another person’s heart that way when you know exactly what kind of feelings they are exploding with on the inside. I wanted to bring you roses, to take you out to the finest restaurants, to show you the world. I wanted to help you raise your daughter even though before I met you again the slightest notion of children scared the SHIT out of me. I wanted to give you everything to start your business because I honestly believe in you. I wanted to be the one that you called every time you felt the world fading out behind you and you just needed one thing, anything, to pull you back from the void I wanted to be that for you! Not to make myself feel better, not to feel like I was rescuing you, I wanted it because I can’t find another person in my life who deserves it more then you do. You have a beautiful soul and I wanted to be beautiful with you.

I’m so scared of being alone…

But I guess I’m only convenient when you have time.

Not done…

I want to say I’m done.

I want to say I’m over you.

But every time I think about starting something new…

All I can think about is how I’m doing it to spite you.

I guess I haven’t moved as far as I thought I had.

Why did I have to dream about you last night…

That age old feeling…

   I have trouble moving past what I once had, still. It irritates me so fucking much that some things can still come up with Jessica and get at me like we just broke up. I mean…it was rough. It wasn’t a break up that was destined to happen. I took fate into my own hands and split us apart and I think that’s why some things still eat at me. I wasn’t unhappy with us, I was unhappy with myself because I felt like I was going nowhere. I drank all the time and didn’t do a thing about my depression and let it come between what her and I had.

   But there is no going back now. History has already written those events into the books of time and some things are unchangeable. I wish her the best, I do. Really (some may find that hard to believe). I just wish that I would stop letting little things eat at me so much. Like an old valentines day card, or a note she left me that I find when going through old things. And for fucks sake why can’t I find a single picture where we don’t look happy as fuck. I see these little mementos lying around and they bring up the old feelings. I can’t say I don’t love her because I do. I will always love her. Hell we were best friends for years before we ever dated.

   However…it’s time for me to move on. Time to stop dwelling. I’m trying to start something new with Emily but she is just coming out of a divorce and honestly if we made things official now things would likely end up falling apart. I don’t like admitting that to myself but for where we both are in life it’s the truth. But then there is that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I let my insecurities push Emily away from me when we had our brief stint back in high school and I’m not going to let that happen again.

   Take things slow? God…everyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely terrible at that. I have a habit of jumping off cliffs blindfolded into whatever new thing comes my way that I find the slightest interest in. This being, of course, one of the worst possible traits that anyone could possess but its me, it’s part of who I am. I do not want to take things slow. I want Emily to be a part of my life that forgets Jessica and I ever happened.

   But wait…do I really want that? Isn’t that the same as saying that I want to forget what I’ve learned from all the mistakes I’ve made? For the good and most part I’ve quit drinking which is something I hope to continue for the rest of my life. I’ve never made a good decision while drinking…ever. So if I can be sober, and rational, and able to live my life without alcohol then good. Great. It’s what I need. But what about my other problems? My jealousy, my quiet rage, my manic depression and my stubborness. Can I just as easily quit those things? I want to be a better person…I want to learn from my past but I can’t get over the fact that I’m still stuck on Jessica.

   If you ever read this, know that you only deserve the best in life and I wish I had been in a better place within myself to give it to you. We may still have ended up separated but at least I would know that it was for the right reasons…not because I got scared and ran away. You are an amazing woman and you are so much smarter then I am and I know that you are going to be amazingly successful one day. I honestly wish you nothing but happiness for the rest of your life.

  But now it’s my time to put the memories of you aside for awhile and push forward with my own life. Fulfilling my dreams and for once in my miserable life actually getting ahead. Ahead of my doubts, ahead of my fears, ahead of my fucking bills, ahead of all the memories of my past that I just need to learn to run faster from so they don’t suck me in and leave me drowning in a godforsaken sea of “what-if’s”.

   It makes me sad that you are gone. But I know that you are happier now. I hope that soon I will feel that happiness within myself again. For now it just comes on the weekends, when I can come home and see Emily and Evelyn and pretend to myself that there is someone out there who loves me and is waiting for me to come home from work. It’s all in my head…but sometimes it’s the fantasies of what one day may come that keep us going.

The answer that is no answer…

   Just got home thirty minutes ago. Although my evening was great and I wouldn’t trade it for any amount of partying its left me puzzled. If you look forward to someone coming home all week, talk to that person all night about all of your shared interests, cuddle with them all night, and kiss them goodbye every time they leave…then where do those two people stand?

   It’s not that I’m dying to jump into another relationship, or that I’m desperately trying to cling on to something that isn’t there but to me it seems like under those circumstances that there actually is something there. But what is it? Is it the start of something great or just an interruption in two peoples lives that crossed at the wrong time. I’m puzzled because while one person may be feeling something greater then themselves the other can be blindly scared of jumping into anything unfamiliar. Isn’t overcoming our fears one of life’s greatest accomplishments?

   I hate to think I’m blindly throwing myself into something that just isn’t there but I know she feels…something for me. I couldn’t give evidence to support it but it’s just something you know when you look into that persons eyes. The dilation of the pupils, that familiar gleam. A romantic gesture. The quickening of hearts. The tension in the air. The inability to look at that person without smiling. Knowing that every word out of that person’s mouth is so much more important to you than anything else at that moment. The shared interaction that ultimately leads to having stronger then normal feelings for each other. I know it’s there I just know it…but I am completely clueless as to what comes next.

  What do I know…I’ve only been in two relationships my whole life. One lasted five years and the other three and both of those just…happened. But we are older now. We have hesitations. We have baggage. Children. These are things that stop us from taking that leap into something that may end up hurting…but there is always the chance that maybe, just maybe, it could lead to something amazing. Something that music was created for. Something that poems that last centuries are written about. The fireworks…

   So this is why I am puzzled. Tonight, I said something to her that may end up biting me in the ass in the end. Tonight, when she laid across me and I stroked her hair I leaned in and told her “There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be right now, then in this moment, on this couch, with you”. I thought it was romantic, kind, and cute. However I didn’t get the reaction I’d expect. Suddenly there was a slight tension in the air and she told me of her fears of being committed to someone again. That she was broken. Well I know what it feel like to be broken. I’ve been down that road and back and I know that anything broken can be mended. No matter how great the wound.

   If only I knew the magic answer to show her that I’m truthful, and honest, and kind. But then…isn’t this all the magic of the chase? Is this a story I’ll tell my grandchildren or is this the story of the one who got away? Maybe I’m looking way too into the situation but these are my thoughts this evening.

   Lonely Boy - The Black Keys was playing when I turned my radio on for the drive home to my empty and dead silent apartment. Fitting…

Old school…

I threw a banana peel out of my car window on the way to work today…

Couldn’t stop thinking about Mario Cart.

(Reblogged from heyyyitssydney)

When…

You’re finally left to your own devices at your job and all you can think about is if you’re doing enough work or doing things properly or being visible enough to your employees or on and on and on.

I’m not the guy who is the boss…I’m not used to this yet.

But I’m trying.

It’s like my dad has always told me. One day, one step. I can only move forward.

Cake

First day done and over. Not so bad really. Staff is respectful, well trained, and they are already well versed in keeping a kitchen clean, FIFO, and saving food stuffs and can be re-used at a later date.

My office on the other hand…is a hole in the wall (basement technically). Which isn’t a terrible thing I suppose. My crew has been working without a manager for the past three months so I could spend all day in my office and not have to worry about things going FUBAR on me. 

I wonder if they’ll let me put a bed in there…

Now it’s time to start the massive amounts of paperwork I have to take care of…

I'm bored so I'm boring.

But mabye I’ll tumble just a little while longer…