That age old feeling…
I have trouble moving past what I once had, still. It irritates me so
fucking much that some things can still come up with Jessica and get at me like we just broke up. I mean…it was rough. It wasn’t a break up that was destined to happen. I took fate into my own hands and split us apart and I think that’s why some things still eat at me. I wasn’t unhappy with us, I was unhappy with myself because I felt like I was going nowhere. I drank all the time and didn’t do a thing about my depression and let it come between what her and I had.
But there is no going back now. History has already written those events into the books of time and some things are unchangeable. I wish her the best, I do. Really (some may find that hard to believe). I just wish that I would stop letting little things eat at me so much. Like an old valentines day card, or a note she left me that I find when going through old things. And for
fucks sake why can’t I find a single picture where we don’t look happy as fuck. I see these little mementos lying around and they bring up the old feelings. I can’t say I don’t love her because I do. I will always love her. Hell we were best friends for years before we ever dated.
However…it’s time for me to move on. Time to stop dwelling. I’m trying to start something new with
Emily but she is just coming out of a divorce and honestly if we made things official now things would likely end up falling apart. I don’t like admitting that to myself but for where we both are in life it’s the truth. But then there is that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I let my insecurities push Emily away from me when we had our brief stint back in high school and I’m not going to let that happen again.
Take things slow? God…everyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely terrible at that. I have a habit of jumping off cliffs blindfolded into whatever new thing comes my way that I find the slightest interest in. This being, of course, one of the worst possible traits that anyone could possess but its me, it’s part of who I am. I do not want to take things slow. I want
Emily to be a part of my life that forgets Jessica and I ever happened.
But wait…do I really want that? Isn’t that the same as saying that I want to forget what I’ve learned from all the mistakes I’ve made? For the good and most part I’ve quit drinking which is something I hope to continue for the rest of my life. I’ve never made a good decision while drinking…ever. So if I can be sober, and rational, and able to live my life without alcohol then good. Great. It’s what I need. But what about my other problems? My jealousy, my quiet rage, my manic depression and my stubborness. Can I just as easily quit those things? I want to be a better person…I want to learn from my past but I can’t get over the fact that I’m still stuck on
If you ever read this, know that you only deserve the best in life and I wish I had been in a better place within myself to give it to you. We may still have ended up separated but at least I would know that it was for the right reasons…not because I got scared and ran away. You are an amazing woman and you are so much smarter then I am and I know that you are going to be amazingly successful one day. I honestly wish you nothing but happiness for the rest of your life.
But now it’s my time to put the memories of you aside for awhile and push forward with my own life. Fulfilling my dreams and for once in my miserable life actually getting ahead. Ahead of my doubts, ahead of my fears, ahead of my
fucking bills, ahead of all the memories of my past that I just need to learn to run faster from so they don’t suck me in and leave me drowning in a godforsaken sea of “what-if’s”.
It makes me sad that you are gone. But I know that you are happier now. I hope that soon I will feel that happiness within myself again. For now it just comes on the weekends, when I can come home and see
Emily and Evelyn and pretend to myself that there is someone out there who loves me and is waiting for me to come home from work. It’s all in my head…but sometimes it’s the fantasies of what one day may come that keep us going.