So i’ve recently re-read all my old posts. I was almost afraid to in the past and honestly I understand why now. I had so much emotion, so much anger and so much…love that made all my posts painfully real. I just feel like I can’t write that same kind of stuff anymore. I’ve been up and down through a lot of painful relationships since my last little “feel sorry for me” post. I don’t even know where I really stand anymore. I feel like i’ve given up on love…on life sometimes. Those who have read my previous posts (probably only me) know that I’ve had a problem with alcohol in the past. Well It’s only become worse now that I’ve been alone for so long now. How can I expect to be with someone when my only love is ethanol and the effect that comes with it. God, I am pitiful. A real man would wake up and face life for what it is. When I saw the finale of How I Met Your Mother I cried for two days knowing that the show came on back when Caitlyn and I first dated and now it’s over. Almost like the memory is gone and will never come back. I’m just a wreck right now…I went on a crazy diet and exercise program. I lost 45 pounds and felt amazing and then like all idiots with bipolar disorder I stopped taking my meds. I haven’t touched my weights in weeks. I’ve forsake myself. I’ve let myself forget about myself. Why did I start exercising in the first place? Honestly it’s because I wanted Jessica to see me and regret the fact that she ever left. I want to create art and beauty and I want to be remembered forever by why? For myself? No not for myself…but because I want others to miss me. I want to be remembered because I want everyone in my life who has ever left me behind to remember that I am greater than they ever imagined me to be. I want to be seen, I want the world to see me. But where do I start? I hate my job, it will never lead me to where I want to be. So what? Maybe start writing? I’m pretty good at that…I do that a lot. But is it enough? Maybe I should make specific dedications to those who have broken me, so that the public will know exactly where my muse comes from.
I get this inspiration from listening to Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - You Will See Me.
But in the end it’s up to me, and what I can do. I want to be seen. To be heard. To be remembered so that for the rest of their lives they will have to see me making something out of myself without them. I can be so much better but my oh my….alcohol is my eternal mistress. Without it I can’t function or sleep. Or think or write. God I wish I could rid my life of you…I hate you so much. I would kill to feel normal, to be normal, without a crutch. Fuck you alcohol…you make misery.