Back logging…

So i’ve recently re-read all my old posts. I was almost afraid to in the past and honestly I understand why now. I had so much emotion, so much anger and so much…love that made all my posts painfully real. I just feel like I can’t write that same kind of stuff anymore. I’ve been up and down through a lot of painful relationships since my last little “feel sorry for me” post. I don’t even know where I really stand anymore. I feel like i’ve given up on love…on life sometimes. Those who have read my previous posts (probably only me) know that I’ve had a problem with alcohol in the past. Well It’s only become worse now that I’ve been alone for so long now. How can I expect to be with someone when my only love is ethanol and the effect that comes with it. God, I am pitiful. A real man would wake up and face life for what it is. When I saw the finale of How I Met Your Mother I cried for two days knowing that the show came on back when Caitlyn and I first dated and now it’s over. Almost like the memory is gone and will never come back. I’m just a wreck right now…I went on a crazy diet and exercise program. I lost 45 pounds and felt amazing and then like all idiots with bipolar disorder I stopped taking my meds. I haven’t touched my weights in weeks. I’ve forsake myself. I’ve let myself forget about myself. Why did I start exercising in the first place? Honestly it’s because I wanted Jessica to see me and regret the fact that she ever left. I want to create art and beauty and I want to be remembered forever by why? For myself? No not for myself…but because I want others to miss me. I want to be remembered because I want everyone in my life who has ever left me behind to remember that I am greater than they ever imagined me to be. I want to be seen, I want the world to see me. But where do I start? I hate my job, it will never lead me to where I want to be. So what? Maybe start writing? I’m pretty good at that…I do that a lot. But is it enough? Maybe I should make specific dedications to those who have broken me, so that the public will know exactly where my muse comes from. 

I get this inspiration from listening to Dan le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - You Will See Me.

But in the end it’s up to me, and what I can do. I want to be seen. To be heard. To be remembered so that for the rest of their lives they will have to see me making something out of myself without them. I can be so much better but my oh my….alcohol is my eternal mistress. Without it I can’t function or sleep. Or think or write. God I wish I could rid my life of you…I hate you so much. I would kill to feel normal, to be normal, without a crutch. Fuck you alcohol…you make misery.

Lied…

It happened again. I’m such the fool.

Bored again

So i’m bored again, back to posting my problems. Hoping that by writing this all out I can find a solution. No one reads this so who cares. So here’s what I’m trying to work through. I’ve met a new girl. I can’t stop thinking about her. I know I know this is like par for the course for me. Something about her though…it’s mysterious. This didn’t start with sex this started with a conversation, an inspiration to get to know someone. My intrigue only continue to grow but she is with someone else. Someone who is controlling, abusive, manipulative. I beg her to leave but she cries that she can’t and I don’t understand but she wishes I could. I guess I don’t…I guess maybe I’m blind to my attraction. We are incredibly compatible…not sure if I’ve met someone who I have more in common with. I beg her to leave, to come to me instead but it falls on deaf ears. Am I crazy? Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak? More than likely I’ve been through this before. The fact remains that when I see she texts me, I do nothing but smile like a fool. When she calls I almost can’t answer the phone because I’m so excited to speak with her. She makes my heart leap with every thought. I’m drawn in, I’m hooked. I’m a fool. I feel like I’m in love yet it can’t be that yet. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks again tumblr for listening when I can’t speak to anyone else.

I forgot to tell you…

I lied.

Madeline…

   I am alone,

   I am lonely,

   I am human.

   I am no different from anyone else.

   I cannot be judged for having emotions.

   I cannot be judged for eternity for every sin I’ve committed.

   I ask you this:

   Do you think of me when you’re alone?

   When you’re afraid?

   When you’re sad?

   When I think of you,

   I ignore your flaws, your insecurities, your unjustifiable actions.

   I cannot live this life with you pretending I never existed.

   I cannot live without you.

   I cannot live alone.

A different kind of hurt…

   So this post still isn’t me bitching about how much I fucked myself over. This one is more about me feeling like something is wrong with me because of how many people I know that used to be really great friends just simply…ignore me when I try and talk to them. For some I understand because I know their lives and not everyone has access to a phone and computer. Some are just too lazy to ever try and talk to anyone (not just me). But the ones I really care about are people like Caitlyn, Emily, and Jessica.

   So here is why this fucking situation bothers me so much. This makes me feel like I am such a horrible person at heart that these girls who were something (even for an incredibly short time…Emily) have found me so awful that they can’t even spare the time to text me or answer my phone calls. I’ve worked things out with all of them. Jessica has a new boyfriend, and I’m happy that she is going somewhere with her life, and I’m working on getting past all that but when I am honestly just trying to ask her how her day went, or how her family has been (I’ve been close with her family since I was 12), and I just get silence…it hurts almost as much as losing her all over again. Why be rude? How can you just fucking ignore someone who just wants to shoot the shit? I honestly have no hidden intentions or motives. I just want to keep in touch with someone I’ve known for half my life.

   I can understand Emily still being sore…but come on. We talked things out and explained where we were both coming from. What I said to her really wasn’t that terrible and in the situation she placed me in it almost made sense in a fucked up way. But I dunno why I’m dwelling on her, she couldn’t spare time to talk to me when we were “dating”. Fuck her (for the reasons of this post), moving on.

   Caitlyn hurts almost the worst. We dated for five years, we were the absolute best of friends. There was nothing we didn’t know about each other. I’ll never be able to talk to a girl (or at least care as much about what they have to say) as easily as I did with Caitlyn. Even when I was with Jessica I kept in touch with Caitlyn because I wanted to know that she was well and she was doing so many things with her life that I wanted to hear every detail. Sometimes we had sex still. So here is when things stop making sense. Why did she stop talking to me? What is happening? One day she said that she didn’t want to have sex anymore. I said ok. I told her, from the bottom of my heart, that I’d really just love to be friends again that I didn’t need her for sex and that I didn’t need to start a relationship again and that I really, truly, honestly, just missed hearing her voice. She hasn’t talked to me since. It hurts more than it should. I never really stopped loving her and I’m sure most of the problems I had with Jessica (beside the obvious alcoholism, ass-holism, and depression) came from me constantly comparing her against a woman I wasn’t quite over.

   I bring this up because I saw a picture of Caitlyn yesterday.

   And I cried.

   What is wrong with me that drives those I’ve loved so far away?

Writing just to write…

   So I just got back from Dakota’s in Jackson. Had a few beers, some tasty shrimp, and a good conversation with my friend Aaron in Georgia. Saw a really cute girl there…so If said cute bartender remembers a guy at the bar wearing a “Cool Story Bro” t-shirt…I think you’re cute.

   Anyway…I guess I don’t really have anything to write about this time…I’m just doing this before I go clip some toe nails…gross. I dunno I guess I’ve just accepted my fate that I’m going to live here for the next year. I guess I’ve also decided that I don’t really feel like bitching about my previous relationships anymore. Not that I don’t want to…I mean…that shit still hurts. But what’s the point in the end. Is this self-satisfactory? Does this make me feel like people are listening? Well no…I mean this shits for me that’s why I hash tag nothing.

   But there are some days, and some times, and some nights, and some moods, that all work together in harmony and tonight everything just feels okay. That and I started watching Doctor Who on Netflix and that’s way more important than crying to the internet.

   I get it. There are millions of people like me. Relationships hurt, they all do at some point. But it’s getting past the arguing and the anger and the pain and being able to keep being with someone not because they are super hot or are super successful but because you actually fucking love being around them. I wish these were things I realized a long time ago before I became that stupid person who walks away for no good reason. Relationships should end because things arn’t working out, not because someone wants to find something better. I mean…if there isn’t anything wrong with what you have then whats “better” to look for? Grow up people, grow up me, life is about loving not bitching and crying when something goes wrong. (I am a hypocrite…shower me with your hate)

Kids…

   Some of us write for ourselves.

   Some of us write for others.

   Some of us criticize interesting bloggers to inspire them.

   Some of them need to learn this and grow up.

   Psst…your age is showing with posts like that kid.

Why…god dammit why do I keep doing this to myself…

   Letting this bottle of 151 take my hands and guide me through yet another self-reassuring and self-satisfying post of why I’m fucked and waiting to die alone. I finally stopped putting my complaints about Emily on Tumblr and brought them to the real world. Guess what? Instantly dumped. I want to say I’m shocked but god why should I be? It would have happened a while back when I first posted these stories/complaints on here because of how fucking crazy I sound. I mean…we dated for less then a month…did you see the shit I posted? I’m fucked on relationships right now because I just want to dive into it like it’s me getting back together with Jessica and everything is working towards becoming normal again.

   God damn…I have no idea how to date. I think that’s pretty apparent. I try and rush into things without taking account of where I should stand because I have too much free time. I have no hobbies, nothing to keep these idle hands busy besides whining to no one with this silly little blog. Sydney suggested I get back to playing music again which is something I’d really like to do. I quit playing a long time ago because I had lost my muse (Caitlyn you taught me how to be an artist) but I think I have so many more reasons to play now then I did then.

   I’m cleaning my house up so my brother and law and stay here for a few days. Next week I’m going to be homeless. I gotta laugh at that because five years ago when I was homeless I felt carefree with an infinite amount of possibilities shining in my eyes. Now I’m just scared. Is this me getting older? Is this me becoming responsible? Or am I just scared as I loose friends left and right…

   Burning bridges? Fuck, I use C4.

   I don’t know where my life is going to take me at this point. My family tries to reassure me that I’m just doing absolutely wonderful by focusing on my career and making something out of myself finally. Fuck that. If it was up to me…I’d still be with Jessica, back at my grandfather’s house, making eight dollars an hour and having nothing but not giving one. single. fuck. because she was everything I ever needed.

   Sydney tells me that I’ll get over her in time…

   I. Don’t. Want. To.